Fool Around with a Younger, Hooter Airline

Submitted by: Sabrina

Alleviate the pressure

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby ... and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

Submitted by: Reo

Airline Agents

Submitted by: Gait

I hope she can explain it to you

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big
cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother got confused what to answer so she simply said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess  and then I will explain in detail"

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy admitted that this was the case and his mother can  only explain the answer. 

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. I hope she can explain it to you.

submitted by: Tars

Flight Attendant Evolution

Submitted by: Tom

In Near Future

Attendant: Welcome aboard Continental, sir. May I see your ticket?

Passenger: Sure.

Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!

Passenger: What for?

Attendant: For telling you where to sit.

Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.

Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat-locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.

Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.

Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?

Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.

Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?

Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.

Attendant: No problem (grunts). Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.

Passenger: What?

Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.

Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.

Attendant: Actually, you're right -- you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But first I need that $10.

Passenger: No way.

Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.

Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?

Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.

Passenger: Oh, all right, here -- take the $10. I can't believe this.

Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?

Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?

Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.

Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?

Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulatin air that costs 50 cents.

Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?

Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!

Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.

Attendant: Yes, there's a change-making fee of 25 cents.

Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?

Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart.

Submitted by: Libra

Yorkshire Airlines


Submitted by: Dave

I didn't know

A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."


The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice.

Submitted by: Yike

Standard Class

Submitted by: Bill

Funny airline Announcement

On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

"This is an important announcement. This is flight 121 to Los Angeles. If your travel plans today do not include Los Angeles, now would be a perfect time to disembark." -- Douglas Adams, British author and sci-fi humorist

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this  airplane..."

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed  giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight .  To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.

If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, we'll but try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like  children."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of  the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault...it was the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly  windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our  airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you
to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally evryone had gotten off except for this little old
lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks
for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go
zipping through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of
us here at US Airways."


At the airport for a trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement  at Gate 35.Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Flight 570 will board from Gate 41." So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.So again we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke "Thank You for participating in the Airliner's physical fitness program

Submitted by: Moon

Rap Announcement


Submitted by: Rock

That's nothing

After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine.

Submitted by: Eric

Change

Submitted by: Witty

Funny Airline Slogan

"Rest, keep warm and drink liquids."  (American Airlines)

"We really move our tail for you"  (Continental Airlines )

"You never forget your first time"  ( Virgin Atlantic )

"PSA gives you a lift." (PSA)

"Top banana in the West" (Hughes Airwest's)

"Emotionally Yours" (Air Sahara's)

 "You'll love the way we fly upside down." (Flying Circus Airlines)

"The most trusted name in flying by the seat of our pants." (Joy Ride Air)

 "Our benefits include popcorn and peccadilloes on a plane." (Anonymous International Airlines)

"We love to fly; let's see what happens when..." (Fly-By-Night Airlines)

"Always there in the nick of time." (Time Capsule Air)

"The only way to fly around in circles." (Circumpolar Airlines)

"Getting you from here to there by hook or by crook!" (Bust-A-Gut Air)

"Join our Frequent Fly and Flub Club" (Second Chance Airlines)

"Some people just don't know how to fly sideways." (Frugal Flying Club)

"Know-It-Alls design our planes, Smart Asses just fly them!" (Smarty Ass Air)

"Whenever we get there, we get there." (Blue Who Air)

"We do more than wiggle our tails for you!" (Big Bird Airlines)

Submitted by: Katrina

Flight Safety Announcement


Submitted by: Crow

Do not open Exits if you see

Submitted by: Sara

special half fare

USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

Submitted by: Brain

fly & high


Submitted by: Mob

she must be a flight attendant

A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant; but which airline does she work for?" Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said, "Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, she doesn't work for Delta.

A few seconds later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself and scratched American Airlines off of the list.

Next he tried "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"

This time the woman barked back at him "Man, what the f**k do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, "Ahhh, Air Canada

Submitted by: Bro

Men Wearing

Submitted by: Smith

Short one

It was mealtime during a flight
on Blonde Airlines. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied
 


A man went to the airline counter. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, do you have reservations?" He replied, "Reservations? Of course I have reservations, but I'm flying anyway."
 


 No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
 



If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
 



If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
 



Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
 



If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
 



If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest
passengers.
 



Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
 



The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
 



The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
 



The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
 



Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
 



Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers!
 



What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
 



For those who can't flap their wings enough to get them off the ground, you're probably not alone.
 



"If black boxes survive air crashes - why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?"

Submitted by: Fairy

Funny Airline Safety Announcement


Submitted by: Vicky

Some actual flight maintenance complaints


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