I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own .(Quoted By Woody Allen)
Submitted by: Scot
That must be my husbandA man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Shit. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
Submitted by: Fred
Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them. (Quote by Bill Maher)
Submitted by: Clive
My wife Loves this beardA married man was visiting his mistress when she requested that he shave his beard.
"Oh, James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."
James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she'd kill me!"
"Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice.
"Oh, really, I can't," he replies. "My wife loves this beard!"
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in.
That night, James crawls into bed with his wife while she's sleeping. The wife is awakened
somewhat, feels his face and replies, "Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband
will be home soon."
Submitted by: Harison
Submitted by: Bob
Do you knowA Medical University Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most exciting Topic, the Professor try to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a beautiful girl in the class and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you making love?"
She replied, "He's probably fishing or sitting at a bar with his friends."
Submitted by: Eric
Submitted by: Bob
Anything for your wife?"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two in the hotel room.
"No thank you." the gentleman replied. "That will be all."
As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed.
"Anything for your wife ?" he asked.
"Yeah! That's a good idea." The fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."
Submitted by: Sid
Men should be like Kleenex...soft, strong, disposable. (Quoted By Cher)
Submitted by: Rony
My wife is betterTwo law partners hire a new cute young secretary, and a contest arises between them as to who can bed her first, even though they're both already married. Eventually one of them
scores with her, and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went.
"So what did you think?" asks the partner.
"Ahh," replies the first lawyer, "my wife is better."
Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the secretary. "So," asks the first guy, "what did you think?"
The second guy replies, "You're right."
Submitted by: Vicky
Submitted by: Peter
Have you ever cheated on me?Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?"
"Well, hard to say... Yes, 3 times."
"Three??? When were they?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan?"
"Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number two?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you?"
"Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me
darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"
"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"
Submitted by: Cook
Men are beasts, and even beasts don't behave as they do. (Quoted by Brigitte Bardot)
Submitted by: Iris
Wife come home EarlyThe wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a
divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to
And the husband began — 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took
pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The
poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't
wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes
and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
Submitted by: Kim
Before marriage, a woman has to make love to a man to hold him.
After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him. (Quoted By Marylin Monroe)
Submitted by: Liana
I better get goingShe left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds.
"Who was it?" he asked.
"My husband," she replied.
"I better get going," he said. "Where was he?"
"Relax. He's downtown playing poker with you."
Submitted by: Billy
its too late
Submitted by: Tom
What a coincidenceA chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne
'What a coincidence,'the farmer says, 'This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating.'
'This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence' says the man.
As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying for years to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man, 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens have been
infertile, but today they're finally laying eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'
Submitted by: Millie