Lost my A*S

Submitted by: Joseph

Do these turkeys get any bigger?

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store
but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, ‘ Do these turkeys get any bigger?’
The stock boy replied, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead.’

Submitted by: Nirmal

You think i'll look good

Submitted by: shannon

I won’t tolerate any excuses

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.
‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it,
no other excuses whatsoever!’
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
‘What would you say
if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored,
the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said,
‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.’

Submitted by: Bob

Did you get spankings

Submitted by: Tom

You have a cute baby

When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician for his first checkup,
the doctor said, "You have a cute baby."
Smiling, I said, "I'll bet you say that to all the new parents."
"No," he replied, "just to those whose babies are really cute."
"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.
"He looks just like you."

Submitted by: hudson

I didnt even know i was leaving.

Submitted by: Rio

I know you're seeing someone else

My wife said, "I know you're seeing someone else. So what's her name?"
I said, "I'm not that type of person."
She said, "Ok, smart arse, what's his name?"

Submitted by: Molly

Cheeky invitation

Submitted by: Tara

I need to see your ticket

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, ‘Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.’

Submitted by: Scot

I wonder why I always get

Submitted by: James

if you don't change your smart-ass attitude

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, Here - try these on.'
She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'
I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night, we have never had any problems."
"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here - try these on."
She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."
Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here - you try on mine."
He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."
Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."

Submitted by: Dave

Great Dane Bitch in heat

Submitted by: Farry

Got stuck


A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read:
Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver,
puts his hands on his hips and says, ‘Got stuck, huh?’ The truck driver says,
‘No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.’

Submitted by: Kate

Smartass

Submitted by: James

ridiculous accusation

As I knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoes in front of this sexy blonde in a short skirt, I couldn't resist a quick glance at her knickers.
"Hey cheeky!" she said as she gave me a playful kick. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts isn't it?"
"That's an absolutely ridiculous accusation, madam," I said sternly. "I don't work here."

Submitted by: Saad

What you have

Submitted by: Rema

its not premarital sex

Submitted by: James

I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.

What kind of bees make Milk?
BOO-BEES.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.

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