I said to my girlfriend, "Now remember, my mother is very old, so speak nice and slow and very loud."
Then I said to my perfectly capable mother, "By the way, my girlfriend is slightly retarded."
My daughter said to me last night "dad, I want to go to a 50 cent concert". I replied "sure here's a dollar, take your sister too".
When you are dead, you don't know you are dead. It's pain only for others.
It's the same thing when you are stupid.
Don't put all my eggs in one basket?
Nice try, basket industry.
I don't approve of sex before marriage.
It often delays the ceremony.
I was sad for not having a girlfriend till I saw a man with no hands
I tried to share the meal with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night.
He told me to f**k off and buy my own.
If Google cannot solve your problem then you are in deep shit.
My wife is a big Tennis fan and was telling me how distracting she finds the constant grunting noises during the women's matches.
I have promised her I will stop.
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I'm sexy"
I then wait at green lights 'til I feel better about myself.