"If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands"
The Labour party's new slogan.
My wife treats our sex life the same way she treats our cat.
We don't have a cat.
How to fall downstairs.
I don't want the government monitoring everything I do on the internet.
I already got a girlfriend for that..
"I don't know why you bought that laptop. You never use it," said my girlfriend.
She only says that because she checks my browsing history every day.
My mate and I were fishing when he asked, "What's the best thing you've ever caught?"
I replied, "Probably my next door neighbout with milkman."
I couldn't believe my ears when my wife told me that she was having an affair with her best friend Sarah.
"Prove it!" I demanded.
If there's one thing I learned growing up, it's that everyone has to pay for their own mistakes.
Except for the government.
We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours.
They seem like nice people.
you know your too ugly when your inflatable woman told you it just wants to be friends.