This vodka tastes a lot like I'm not going into work tomorrow.
I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."
I had a tear in my eye and felt sad when I heard that the nightclub where I met my husband was set to be demolished. That it couldn't have happened 14 years earlier.
Back when I was a kid, there was no internet,
So people would sometimes have to walk for miles just to call a c**nt.
I hate it when women turn the light off before having sex.
It makes it awfully difficult for me to see them through the window.
I walked into an opticians.
I said, "Hello sir, I think I need some new glasses."
She said, "I think you're right.
"I've been a very bad girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished."
"Very well", he said and installed Windows 10 on her laptop.
After my prostate exam, the doctor left. Then the nurse came.
At that point, she whispered the 5 words no man wants to hear: "Who was that?"
I was in the gym changing room when I saw a bloke watching me dry my bum.
I warned my mate that there was a weirdo about.
He said that maybe it was innocent and he was just waiting to use the hand dryers..
My favourite scene in "superman movie" is when Superman runs around for 45 minutes trying to find a phonebox to get changed in.