I'm bored, entertain me

The wife and I had an argument, so she told me to go sleep on the couch.
Suppose she didn't mean the one at her friend's house.

"I want it now against this wall!" she ordered, "And keep it up as long as possible."
"Don't worry," I said, "I know how to put up a shelf."

Advertising hearing aids on the radio is like asking a blind man to read the following sentence....

Photographs of Miley Cyrus fully clothed have been leaked onto the internet. Friends say she hasn't left her house in days as she is too embarrassed!

All these jokes calling Lady Gaga's gender into question are really immature. How childish to think "he's got long hair, he must be a girl".
Grow Up.

I was entering a nightclub when a bouncer started patting me down.
He said, "Have you got anything on you that you shouldn't have?"
"Yes," I replied, "My wife's knickers."

My father once told me, "Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it's something your father told you."

The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the murder of her husband.
They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed suicide.

Women say they like tall men.
But I'm probably at least 6'4 in these stilettos and not a single girl in this bar has approached me yet.

I really don't understand women.
The girl next door was telling me how much she liked meeting men in high places.
But when she arrives home from work and finds me hiding on top of her wardrobe I'm a "weirdo".

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