Is it just me
Submitted by: Dave
Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie?One day, a blind man and his dog are walking down a street, they come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and his dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, and offers it to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass.
Submitted by: Diana
Why don't blind people skydive?
its scares the heck out the dog.
Submitted by: Suzan
The Duck CallA woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a fishing rod and reel for husband a Christmas gift. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this fishing rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite fishing rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.
I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.
Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.
Submitted by: Norma
I didn't see you officer
Submitted by: Mathew
Blind ManA Maid walked into the bathroom where Lady was taking a shower. "There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in."
The blind man walks into the bathroom, and Lady to tell him how much she appreciates him working that too at short notice. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?
Submitted by: Sarah
Blind man who decided to visit TexasThere once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big." The person next to him said, "Everything is big in Texas."
....When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar, where he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow, these mugs are big !
....The bartender said, "Everything is big in Texas."
....After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. "Second door to the right," the bartender replied.
....The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell
into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush !!"
Submitted by: Rain
They do not have Chihuahua as seeing-eye dogsA man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!"
The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."
"Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me."
The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."
The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink.
The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bartender says, "No, I don't think so.
They do not have Chihuahua as seeing-eye dogs."
The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
Submitted by: Fred
Why don't you put a Piece of rubber at the end of your stick?A blonde was waiting at the bus stop with nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the Bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the blonde and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the blonde gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on The sidewalk, and says to him....."Why don't you put a Piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking Sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies...." If you would've put a rubber At the end of your husband's stick, we'd be riding the bus"
Submitted by: Karma
it don't look so goodA rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white horse. He told the man that he would give him $500 for the horse.
The poor man replied, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good", and walked away.
The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $1000 for the horse.
The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good".
On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take 'no' for an answer. The poor man agreed, and the rich man took the horse home.
The rich man's daughter loved her present She climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into a tree.
The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness.
The poor man replied, "I told you it don't look so good!"
Submitted by: Tara
Want to hear a blonde joke?A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Submitted by: Harry
The blind date hadn't been all that greatThe blind date hadn't been all that great, and she was relieved the evening was finally over.
At her apartment door, her date suddenly said, "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?"
Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear.
She glanced down and said, "Nice design - does it also come in men's sizes?""
Submitted by: Rita
When you want to Escape at Blind dateAsk your date how much money they have with them.
Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.
Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e anything on the table that isn't bolted down.
Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
How many men have you had sex with? At one time?
How much hairspray does it take to get that fresh "just took off the helmet" look?
Did you put your make-up on with a putty knife or a spatula?
Can you spell the word "cat"? Can you spell?
When was your last meal?
What was your size before Breast Implants
After you save the world, won't you be bored?
Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Submitted by: Dave
You mean he got fresh?An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mom?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?" the concerned daughter asked.
"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"
Submitted by: vicky
does not matter
Submitted by: bill