Funny and Humorous
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A Stack of Top 5 Funnies Bi-Weekly

Butcher Family (funeral home Name)
 

Submitted by: Tie
 

 


 

When I die

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and
yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your
life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their
neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she
went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the
grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down......."
 

Submitted by: Green

 


 

Picky

Submitted by: Iron

 


 

Gotcha!

At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!" 'gotcha!'"
 

Submitted by: Roe

 


 

There Just aren't enough deths

Submitted by: Pal

 


 

I was just thinking of my own funeral

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed,sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When alleyes stared at him.

He said, "I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist."
 

Submitted by: Lily

 


 

 

funny funeral speech


 

Submitted by: Eric

 


 

Do not ever try to do

Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you.

Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.

Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.

Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.

Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.

At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.

Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.

Ask the widow to give you a kiss.

Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.

Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.

Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.

Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.

Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.

Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.

Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.

Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.

Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.

Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.

Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.

Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tatooing on.

Put Crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.

Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.

If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.

When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.

Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.

At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.

Get someone to call you on your cell phone during ceremony and pretend your talking to the deceased person.

Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.

Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.

Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.

Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face while praising the deceased.

Write "Best before last week" on the top of the coffin when nobody is looking.

Accidentally sneeze on the deceased, and literally wipe the smile off his face.

If its a woman, spread her legs and write "Dying for a Shag" on the side of the coffin.
 

Submitted by: Kate

 


 

 

Gross Funeral Home

Submitted by: Linda

 


 

 

 

Couldn't you find someone


A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at  the Super Bowl and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been at together  since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral.

 

Submitted by: Weed

 


 

 

EULOGY


 

Submitted by: Harris

 


 

 

Why did you have to die?


A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man
seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do  you mourn
so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied,
"My wife's first husband."
 

Submitted by: Bran

 


 

I told you I was Sick

Submitted by: Peter

 

 

 


 

 

funny funeral home slogans



"We must be good, people are dying to get in!"

"Drive carefully, we'll wait."

"We put the fun back into funerals."

"We'll be the last to let you down!"

"We deliver to a higher authority."

"For the lucky stiff."

"We love the dead."

"We must be good, people are dying to get in!"

"Drive carefully, we'll wait."

"We put the fun back into funerals."

"We'll be the last to let you down!"

"We deliver to a higher authority."

"For the lucky stiff."

"We love the dead."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
 

Submitted by: Reba

 


Extreme Golf

Submitted by: Sid

 

 

 


 

 

Funny Funeral Story

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to
be at a paupers' cemetery in the back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating
lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so
I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for
this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my
head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."


 

Submitted by: Mick

 


 

 

Moms Funeral


 

Submitted by: John

 

 

you are next


Old people used to annoy me at weddings by pinching my cheeks and saying "you are next". 

They quit years later when I started doing the same to them at funerals.

 

Submitted by: Gina

 


 

 

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