Train Timing

Submitted by: Bob

London Tube driver announcements

A list of announcements that London Tube drivers have actually made to their passengers

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome:
not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

Submitted by: Dave



Submitted by: ANDREW

doing the wrong thing

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat,
but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular,
"Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor!
Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,
"Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

Submitted by: Harry

Transport Matters

Submitted by: Lilly

let's pretend we're married

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea....let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Right", he replies. "Get your own fucking blanket."

Submitted by: Sid

Subway Story

Submitted by: Bob

TWO HOUR delay

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there  is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen.

Submitted by: Rimy

Sound Funny

Submitted by: Tom

A young technician

A young technician and his boss board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each because they are giving each other "looks." Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."

The boss is sitting there thinking: "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"

The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"

The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life at work is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his boss all at the same time!

Submitted by: Smith

Funny Subway Story

Submitted by: Peter

Did you know

A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and asked, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?" "Really," he said, "have you tried mouthwash?"

Submitted by: James

odd Subway Story

Submitted by: Nathan

Look, I found a deer tracks

Two blondes are walking in the forest.
One looks down and says, "Look, I found a deer tracks".
The other blonde looks down and says, " You stupid! Can't you see, they look hard and strong, these are bear tracks".
The first blonde replies, "But...aren't they thin and smooth too, so these are deer tracks"
Half an hour later they were still arguing, when the train hit them.

Submitted by: Linda

Weird Subway Story

Submitted by: Pal

Some funny and interesting Signs on Subway

Nail Clipping

Stand Clear of the Whores

Physical Contact

Please Do not Smile at Strangers

I need money for weed

Please Do no Defecating on Subway


Please Do it at home

Submitted by: Millie

Funny Subway Peoples

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...
but she did.

Submitted by: Linda

 Some cool interesting Funny ads on subway

Cost-benefit analysis.
3d Jeans
Wrist Watch
Proud American
Fitness Company
Graffiti and your next stop could be jail

Submitted by: Simian

Funny Business Name

Funny Business Name

funny roommate

funny roommate



jokes about condom

jokes about condom

Funny Logic

Funny Logic

Hate winter quotes and gif

Hate winter quotes and gif

Bad Day

Bad Day

Funny Name

Funny Name

Funny revenge

Funny revenge

Jokes about Viagra

jokes about Viagra

Jokes about screwed up

Jokes about screwed up

Funny advise

funny advise

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Funny and Humorous