Your honor, May I please the court?

Submitted by: Eric

If I lose this case, I'll be ruined

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't
even smile at the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.

As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But, I did send them."

"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously.

"Yes. That's how we won the case."

"I don't understand," said the lawyer.

"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

Submitted by: Fred

you committed acts of gross indecency

A beautiful young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge.
When her name was called out in the court foyer, she brushed her hair, checked her make-up, took a deep breath, and walked into the court and took to the witness stand.
The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded.
"Not guilty," the woman answered emphatically.
The prosecution council then approached the woman and said:
"Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed acts of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf - who was waving a union jack - on the roof of a car, whilst traveling at over 100 mph through the center of London, in a blizzard, and you were totally nude?"
The woman composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and calmly said,
"What was the date again?

Submitted by: Rambo

My client's HAND stole the jewels

This one attorney says, 'my client was found on the scene of the crime at the jewelry store. Now I'm saying that my client wasn't the one who stole the jewelry, my client's HAND
stole the jewels.
Now i suggest that my client's hand should stay in jail, not my client.'
Then the judge says, 'Fine then. The criminals HAND is sentenced to five years in jail.'
Then the client/criminal goes in front of the judge and says, 'thank you so much for this misunderstandment.'
Then he takes of his prosthetic arm and walks out.

Submitted by: Rebecca

I was a little worried about winning that case

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher.
The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed.
The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull
.The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court.
He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check and cashed it in the store,
the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher ...
"You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there.
I couldn't have won that case.
The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose
when the train went through your ranch that morning.
I didn't have one witness to put on the stand .. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied .
. "Well, I'll tell you young feller , I was a little worried about winning that case myself,
because that dame bull came home this morning!!

Submitted by: James

Some Funny Lawsuit

Ernie Chambers, a former state senator from Nebraska, tried to sue God.

A judge threw the lawsuit out because the almighty had an unlisted home address.


Child's Happy Meal making him fat
The Washington-based consumer advocacy group threatened to file a lawsuit against McDonald's






Mom sues McDonald's over hot chocolate

A Northlake woman is suing the fast-food titan, claiming her daughter suffered a bad burn in April 2009 when hot chocolate from a Schiller Park drive-through spilled.

"The mother isn't loving it either," said Chicago lawyer Eric Krumdick, referring to his client, Vicki LaRocco. "Her 10-year-old daughter now has a serious scar resulting from a
second- and third-degree burn."

Hit by car, woman sues Google for bad walking directions

That's the question being raised in a lawsuit by Lauren Rosenberg. She claims that after using Google Maps' "Walking Directions" feature on her BlackBerry (there's the problem:
not Android or iPhone), she was led onto a busy highway and hit by a car.

Submitted by: Tom

Some Funny Court cases

Submitted by: Jana

it was just a simple misunderstanding

It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honor," testified the man charged with indecent exposure.
"Explain that statement?" demanded the Judge.
"Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman.
So I showed her!"

Submitted by: Yike

You claim you were injured in the accident

A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.

"I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" stated the counsel for the insurance company.

"Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head.

"You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my life.' Is that the case?"

"Yeah, but..." stammered the farmer.

"A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly.

"Yes," Replied the farmer.

Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions.

"Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said.

"Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead.
"Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. "Now, what the heck would I have said to him?"

Submitted by: Cindy

The following excerpts are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Submitted by: Fred

Hilarious but aggressive bad parking notes

Hilarious but aggressive bad parking notes

funny lawsuit

funny lawsuit

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty But In Law Are not

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty But In Law Are not

funny police reports

funny police reports

Jokes about thief

Jokes about thief

cops funny

cops funny

jokes about court

jokes about court

jokes about drivers

jokes about drivers

funny cabbie

funny cabbie

jokes about lawyer

jokes about lawyer

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