Funny and Humorous
Newsletter:
A Stack of Top 5 Funnies Bi-Weekly

Health plans are like hospital gowns...You only think you're covered. ( Quotes)

Submitted by: Billy
 

 


 

A suppository ( funny Hospital Story)

I was around 19 and very naive and the nurse was explaining that I needed to take the suppository she was holding in her hand the night before.... blah, blah, blah... I didn't hear anything she said after that because my mind was racing with thoughts of dread.... finally it's like the cloud lifted and she asked if I had any questions. I looked at her and I was just miserable with worry, and asked (while staring at this very large "pill"), "You mean to tell me, I have to swallow that whole thing at one time?
" She said, "Excuse me, I'll be right back..." she went rushing out of the room with her hand covering her mouth. A minute later I heard gales of hysterical laughter coming from alot of people. When she ran out, she left the door open. I sat there and watched a parade of people slowly walk by my room and look in and they could hardly contain their snickers.
 
When she finally came back, she explained that A suppository is a drug delivery system that is inserted into the rectum
 

Submitted by: Marten

 


 

Death Valley Health Center ( Funny Hospital name )

Submitted by: Jane

 


 

Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?

A surgeon was getting ready to perform a simple operation on an elderly lady. She had been administered a local anesthetic. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...
...."Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"
....She said, "No?"
...."Well," he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."

....And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop because she burst out laughing.
....The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

Submitted by: Jon

 


 

Children Hospital ( funny Hospital Sign)

Submitted by: Martini

 


 

Hospital regulations require


Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for most patients when they're being discharged. However, this girl working as a student nurse found one elderly gentleman -- already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase as his feet -- who insisted he didn't need her help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let the nurse wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, she asked if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "I think she's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
 

Submitted by: Bob

 


 

 

Emergency


 

Submitted by: Kate

 


 

10 funny things NOT to do in a hospital

1. Throw a pajama party in her room.

2. Bring a pet of hers in for a visit.

3, Make her wear baby doll pajamas instead of those hospital gowns.

4. Have a beautician come in and give her a manicure and pedicure, wash cut and blowdry hair

5. Bring in a CD player so she can listen to all her Frank Sinatra songs.

6. Bring in either pizza or chinese food one night for dinner.

7. Give each of the nurses on her duty roster a $20 bill to make sure she is well-taken care of.

8. Bring in the latest gossip magazines.

9. Play Scrabble with her.

10. The night before she leaves, open a bottle of champage to share with ther nurses and then have a pillow fight !!

 

Submitted by: Peter

 


 

 

Woman Falls in Hospital , told to call ambulance

Submitted by: Karen

 


 

 

 

I've changed my mind about the operation.


A woman dressed in patient's clothes, runs into the waiting room of the hospital and says to the husband, "I want to go to home now! I've changed my mind about the operation."

"Why?"

"Because the nurse said, 'It's a simple operation—very easy. You'll be fine, don't worry."

"She was just trying to comfort you," said the husband.

"She wasn't talking to me," she said. "She was speaking to the surgeon!"



 

Submitted by: Kim

 


 

 

Hospital Prank


 

Submitted by: Harris

 


 

 

Hospital Is In Financial Trouble


Rent-a-catheter program

The nurse and the physician ask for their portion of the bill each day.

Discount on surgery in exchange for semi-permanent tattoo - "Like my CABG? Call 1-800-
We-Cath1″

When patients bring medicines to the hospital, the pills are collected, counted, and added to the hospital formulary.

The 64-slice CT scanner is operated by a technician and Vinny, the "billing supervisor".

Triage includes collecting your bank routing number in addition to your insurance information.
Napkins provided with your meals have logos of various local fast food places.

Passing by the cafeteria, you note that they are washing the plastic utensils and styrofoam cups.

Patient lunches are sponsored by pharmaceutical companies.

Submitted by: David

 


 

We fixed it

Submitted by: Molly

 

 

 


How can I help you?

Me: "Hi, welcome to [hospital]. How can I help you?"

Visitor: "I'd like to file a complaint. Is there a paper or something I can fill out?"

Me: "Sure. There are feedback forms right-"

Visitor: "[Patient]'s room is too far away! I've had to walk around this place too much. Too much walking. I don't want to do any more walking!"

Me: "Okay. There are forms right on that desk over there." *I point to desk a few feet away*

Visitor: "No, no, no! Forget it! If they're too far away I don't wanna do it! I don't wanna walk that far! Goodbye!
 

Submitted by: Tara

 


 

 

Use rear entrance

Submitted by: Eric

 

 

 


 

 

Calm down

Today, I was in the hospital with rib injuries after being rear-ended by a truck. The doc said, "Well, you'll probably feel like you've been hit by a truck for a while."
Everyone laughed, except me. When I said he was being insensitive, he replied, "Calm down, I'm just ribbing you."


 

Submitted by: Sid

 


 

 

General Hospital bloopers


 

Submitted by: Ant

 

 

Following are what are purported to be actual notes made on hospital charts.


Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

The patient refused autopsy.

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Discharge status: Alive, but without permission.

Healthy appearing, decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

Skin: somewhat pale but present.

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Patient was found in bed with her power mower.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.


 

Submitted by: Sam

 


 

Push Push! PUSH!

Submitted by: Dona

 

 

 


 

Chasing one of the patients down the hospital corridor

This nurse carrying a large bed pan full of boiling water was chasing one of the patients down the hospital corridor. A Doctor saw her and said, "Dummy, I told you to prick his boil!"

 

Submitted by: Rebecca

 


Dalian Bohai Hospital ( funny hospital sign)

Submitted by: Dona

 

 

 


 


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