Do you wanna Rob her?

Submitted by: Jiff

Did he get anything?

"Get this." said a guy to his friends, "Last night, while I was out with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.

"Did he get anything?" his friends asked.

The guy said, "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs."

One of his friends ask, "Whoa!"

The guy answered, "Well, it was really late at night and my wife thought it was me coming home late!!"

Submitted by: Fred

Whoever Stole

Submitted by: Clive

Why did you just stand there?

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder.

She caught him burglarizing her home of its valuables and she yelled: "Stop! Acts 2:38! Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven." The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38s!"

Submitted by: Harison

Burglars don't always take what you want

Submitted by: Bob

I told you I haven't got any money

An old maid was held up in a dark alley. She explained that she had no money, but the robber insisted that it must be in her bra and started feeling around.

"I told you I haven't got any money." the spinster said. "But if you keep doing that, I'll write you a check."

Submitted by: Eric


Submitted by: Bob

In that case

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"

The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"

Submitted by: Sid

I have been forced to write a letter

Submitted by: Rony

Jesus is looking at you

thief broke into a house. as he was stealing trying to look for some loot in the closet, he heard a voice saying 'Jesus is looking at you'

the thief turned around and saw nobody. so he continued

then the voice came again" Jesus is looking at you"

the thief turned around and looked around and saw a parrot. phew! it was just a parrot he thought

the thief asked the parrot : what's your name?

Parrot: Clarence

Thief: what a stupid name. who would name a parrot clarence?

Parrot: the same idiot who named the rottweiler Jesus

Submitted by: Vicky

Dump Thief

Submitted by: Peter

A strong wind blew me here

A thief once climbed over the fence into someone's vegetable garden. He started harvesting the vegetables, and putting them into a sack. 
Suddenly, the gardener approached and a conversation ensued between them:
Gardener: what are you doing here?
Thief: A strong wind blew me here.
Gardener: why are those vegetables in your hand?
Thief: I was trying to stop myself from being swept away by the wind.
Gardener: Then what are the remaining vegetables doing in your sack?
Thief: That was what I was wondering about when you came.

Submitted by: Cook

A daring thief

Submitted by: Iris

Short One

Wife to her husband: Wake up. Some thieves have broken into our house. I think they are now eating the food I made last night.
Husband: Oh! Let's better call the ambulance for them.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

The police is chasing a thief. The thief enters to a shopping center so the police captain says "secure all the exits" 2 minutes later a cop comes and tells the captain"sir, we've lost him". the captain asks "why?", the cop answers "he escaped by the entrance"

1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way....
So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

When a thief kisses you, count your teeth.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

Submitted by: Kim

The British Cat who steals underwear

Submitted by: Liana

I did exactly what you said

Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Judy plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Buffy, in great detail.

The robbery begins...

Judy drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffy, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in
no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"

"Perfectly," said Buffy.

Buffy goes in the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car. One minute passes... Two minutes pass... Seven minutes pass... and Judy is really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffy.

She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security
guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.

As the gals are getting away, Judy says, "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"

Buffy said, "I did... I did exactly what you said!"

"No, you idiot," said Judy. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"

Submitted by: Billy

Some funny robber

Slow Driving

Gold Chain Taken

McDonalds's Meal

Goat Accused of Robbery

Rob Store with game remote

Stole car and ask police for direction

do not ever dare to check facebook during robbery

Someone stolen her mail

Burglar posted himself to victims

Submitted by: Millie

Hilarious but aggressive bad parking notes

Hilarious but aggressive bad parking notes

funny lawsuit

funny lawsuit

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty But In Law Are not

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty But In Law Are not

funny police reports

funny police reports

Jokes about thief

Jokes about thief

cops funny

cops funny

jokes about court

jokes about court

jokes about drivers

jokes about drivers

funny cabbie

funny cabbie

jokes about lawyer

jokes about lawyer

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Funny and Humorous