A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be held against you."
The drunk replies, "Boobs."
A couple was driving home late at night after a party when the wife asked, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy, and irresistible you are to women?"
Her flattered husband grinned. "No, dear, they haven't."
She yelled, "Then what in the hell gave you that idea at the party tonight?!"?
Bob says to his friend Bill, "My doctor says if I don't give up sex, I'll be dead in a week."
"Why is that?" Bill asks.
Bob replies, "I've been screwing his wife."
The Judge asked the prostitute, "Tell the court when you realized you had been raped".
The Prostitute replied, wiping her tears, "When his check bounced."
The blonde screams into the phone, "Hurry, come quick, my house is on fire!"
The fire chief says, "OK, but how do we get to your house?"
The blonde says, "Duh, use the Red Truck."
A couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish, too but he leaned over too much, fell into the
well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"
Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next.
After spending all day watching football, Harry fell asleep in front of the TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his wife woke him up.
"Get up dear," she said, "it's 20 to seven."
He awoke with a start and said, "In who's favor?"
Stressing the importance of a good vocabulary, the teacher told her young charges, "Use a word ten times, and it shall be yours for life."
From somewhere in the back of the room, came a small male voice chanting, "Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda."
At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small male genital. Would you please comment on
"The truth is," replied the politician, "that she has a big mouth."
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%!!! Its called wedding cake.
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified. In read: "Wife Wanted" The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
"I have to be very careful not to get pregnant," a woman told her friend.
"I don't understand," said the friend. "I thought your husband had a vasectomy."
The woman answered, "Precisely."
An old married couple was at home watching TV. The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"
Bless her heart. She thinks I'm digging a koi pond.
Guys fall in love for what see.
Girls fall in love for what they hear.
That is why girls use makeup, and boys lie.
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question,
"Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway:
"Never got caught."
Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake.
She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole" afterwards.
"Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I'm still ahead," I said.
She look mystified. "How do you figure?"
"I married better," I replied.
A man goes into the plumbing supply store and says "I bought a bathtub here last week, but it keeps leaking."
The clerk asks, "Did you put a plug in it?"
The customer becomes upset. "Plug in it? You didn't tell me it was an electric tub!"
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the
family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather
than the big shit he always was."
A mortician was laying out the body of a man with an unbelievably long men genital. He called in his receptionist to show her.
She took one look and said, "That's just like my Harry's."
"You mean he's got one that long?" the mortician asked.
"No," she replied. "That dead."
A man's wife passes away. It's a well known fact that she had a lover for many years. At the funeral the lover is there and is weeping uncontrollably.
The husband walks up, puts his arm around the lover and says, "Don't worry, I'll marry again soon."
When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home.
One item on the list was "comfortable underwear."
Worried I'd make the wrong choice, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?"
"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she said. "If you smile, put them back."
Doctor: "Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last
Nurse: "No change yet.
diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
"What's this I hear about your breaking off your engagement?" a mother asked her daughter. "The boy gave you a huge ring."
"Well, his diamond was of pretty good quality," the daughter answered, "but his mounting left a lot to be desired."
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to
come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is." he replied, "Breakfast."
The First law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.
The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong.
One afternoon, Harry Harrington walks into his supervisor's office. "Boss,"
he says, "we're doing some heavy house cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife
needs me to help with
the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Harry," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Harry. "I knew I could count on you!"
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
One afternoon while I was visiting my library, I noticed a group of
preschoolers gathered for story time. The book they were reading was There Was
an Old Lady Who Swallowed a
Fly. After the librarian finished the first page, she asked the children, "Do you think she'll die?"
"Nope," a little girl in the back said. "I saw this last night on Fear Factor."
Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how
many dollars would you have?
Vincent: One dollar.
Teacher (sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
Vincent (sadly): You don't know my father.
A man robs a bank and takes hostages. He asks the first hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"
The hostage answers "Yes". The robber promptly shoots him in the head.
Then he asks the second hostage if he saw him rob the bank.
The hostage answers, "No, but my wife did".
How come when you mix flour and water together you get glue? But then you add eggs and sugar, and you get cake? Where did the glue go?
You know darned well where it went! That's what makes cake stick to your butt.
sarah leaned forward and said, "Tillie, I thought something was wrong. Do you realize that you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
"I have?" Tillie reached up and removed it from her ear and stared at it. Then she said to Sarah, "I'm glad you saw this thing. NOW I think I know where my hearing aid is!"
A patron asked the librarian why Tales of Robin Hood had been withdrawn from the collection.
The librarian replied, "Too much Saxon violence."
I have a friend who insists that he recently met a girl who is so na´ve that when he asked her if she knew the difference between a screw and a Caesar salad she said she had no idea.
"Did you explain it to her?" we asked.
"Hell no," said our friend. "But I have lunch with her every day."?
I've been reading a book about super glue.
I couldn't put it down.
A SHORT FAIRY TALE
One day long, long ago there was this man who, surprisingly, was not full
But this was a long time ago..... and it was just ONE day.
This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please."
A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."
So this fella goes into the doctor's office for his annual physical. The doctor comes in, looks at him for a moment, and says,
"You need to stop masturbating".
"So I can do the exam."
Patient: "Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
Nurse: "Have you seen a doctor?"
Patient: "No, just spots."
"Aw Crap", says his friend, "wouldn't you know it, I just joined the Elks."
Breasts or Legs ?
Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman. She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.
"Breasts or Legs?", she insisted.
I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.
Apparently I'm not welcome back at KFC anymore.
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.'
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.
First guy (proudly) : "My wife's an angel!"Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
The boyfriend said, "We're going to have a GREAT time Saturday. I've got three tickets for the show."
"Why do we need three?" asked the girl.
"They're for your father, mother and kid sister," he replied.
I was at a bar last night and a gorgeous girl looked at me and said, "Hey,
you must work out!"
"Thanks!" I replied.
"No, I mean you really need to work out, you fat bastard."
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of
Doctor: "It's no good. I can't find anything wrong with you. It must just be the effects of drinking."
Patient: "I'll come back when you're sober then!"
As Jack got out of the shower he said to his wife:
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."
This Brit goes to Australia for a tourist trip and on the border they ask him if he had ever stayed in jail or had been arrested. So he says: "I did not know that was still
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
A husband comes home with a half-gallon of ice cream and asks his wife if she
"How hard is it?" she asks.
"About as hard as my di**k," he replies.
"OK," she says, "then pour me some!"
I asked my girlfriend if she was faking last night.
She said, "No, I was really asleep."
How was your blind date?" a college student asked her room-mate. "Terrible!"
the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?" "He was the original owner!"
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a
while he asked: "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold
I've been in love with the same woman for many years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
In this job we need someone who is responsible, " said the employer.
"Then I'm your man," answered the potential employee.
"On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.
As she slid behind the wheel for her first driving lesson, my daughter
couldn't contain her excitement. "You need to make adjustments so the car is
comfortable for you, the driver,"
I began. "Now, what's the first thing you should do?"
"Change the radio station," she said.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord
for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret : "Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?"
Margaret replied: "No, I think he means her legs, Ethel..."
There is a lady laying in bed. At about midnight her husband comes walking in
with a sheep under his arm and says "That's the fat pig I've been sleeping with
when I'm not
sleeping with you."
His wife gets a confused look on her face and states " but honey that's not a pig its a sheep." Her husband says " Shut up I'm talking to the sheep!
Two accountants were discussing a colleague's interest in one of the firm's
new secretaries. "I just don't get it." said one. "She's an airhead -- nothing
going on upstairs.
"That may be true," replied the other, "but I don't think that's the floor he's getting off on."
"Doctor! I think my wife is dead."
"What makes you think that?"
"Well, the sex is still the same but the dishes are piling up."
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q: What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything."
Q: What do you call an unmarried Blonde in a BMW?
Q.. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A.. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States
Q: Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?
A: NOT if you are the groom.
Q: How many showers is the bride supposed to have?
A: At least one within a week of the wedding.
Q: What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?
A: Anything except "Tied to the Whipping Post".
Q. How many reference librarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Well, what kind of light bulb were you thinking about?
Q: What happens when you cross a librarian and a lawyer?
A: You get all the information you want, but you can't understand it.
Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q:What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
Q:What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
Q:do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
A:No, they eat the fingers separately.
Q:What do you do when 20 zombies surround your house?
A:Wish them happy Halloween and give them candy.
Q:Why didn't the zombie proceed with his lawsuit?
A:He didn't have a leg to stand on!
Q:Why won't a zombie eat a clown?
A:Because they taste funny.
Q: What to do to spend happy life with women?
A: Well, you must love her but do not try to understand her.
Q: Why women live longer, better and peaceful life?
A: Because, they don't have a wife.
Q: Why it is hard to find the boys who are handsome, sensitive, caring and gentle?
A: Because they already have a boyfriend.
Q: Can you tell me, what is the best way to remember my wife's birthday?
A: It's very simple, Just forget it once.
Q: What is the secret of happy and satisfied married life?
A: It is still a secret.
Q: AT gym , I want to impress my girlfriend, Pl suggest me which machine should i use?
A: ATM Machine.
Q: What is the difference between a man who is buying a lottery ticket and a man who is arguing with his wife?
A: Lottery ticket buyer has still some chances to win.
Q: what is marriage?
A: It is an institution where a man loses his bachelor's degree and female gets her Masters one!
Girl : When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and
lighten your burden.
Boy : It's very kind of you, darling. But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl : Well that's because we aren't married yet.
Males want to get married because they are tired and stressed; Females do
because they are so curious; but very shortly both face disappointment..
Husband is the head of the family but wife is the neck, which can turn head
A Blond was removing two wheels from her car.
A girl asked him: what are you doing??
Can't you see the board, "Parking for two wheelers only".
Johan: My wife is short of sense and scares a lot from water.
Friend: But how do you know this?
Johan: Yesterday, when i reached home, she was in bath tub with the security guard.
Husband messaged to his wife: Dear, I am just having my last glass of beer
and coming home within 40 minutes and if i don't reach, Pl read same message
Person visited doctor and he said: You are Mad..
He asked him to give a second opinion and he said: You are ugly too.
When you are in hospital, your friends ask: Hey, hi, how are you dear?
But your best friends ask: Hey buddy, how is the nurse?
Husband are like car tire. Just good on their first year only !!
A man calls up White House and says: Can I be the next President?
Officer: Are you an idiot?
Man: Why? Is it compulsory?
Man at book store: I need a book on topic 'Short ideas on full control on
Salesman: Pl move into our next row of 'fiction section'.