I'm almost as smart as my phone
Patience might be a virtue, but flipping someone off feels better
I'm not procrastinating until tomorrow.
If idiots grew on trees, this place would be a friggin' orchard
I've seen the future and I'm going back to bed
Diplomacy: the art of telling someone to go to hell in polite way
Lead me not into temptation
Looking for love. (Will settle for green jelly beans.)
Everything I say is fully substantiated by my own opinion
If I were you, I'd wanna be me
I'm not aging, I'm fermenting
My food pyramid is made from beer cans
Yes, beer qualifies as an appetizer
Hard times call for hard liquor
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
I was watching a DVD on my laptop when I thought,Maybe it would be better if I put it in?
when butterflys fall in love, do they feel people in there stomachs?
I believe in sacrifices. Can I start with you?
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Funny and Humorous